Role Reversal: Should Women Ask Out Guys?

girl asking out guyRecently a reader asked a great question.  It went like this: “As someone of the female persuasion, if I have a crush on a guy, should I just count on him to ask me out if he is interested?”

This is a great question that brings up the topic of whether or not a girl should ask out a guy she is interested in.  In the 21st century one would assume this role reversal is common and never a problem, but for some reason it still hasn’t become fully accepted by all males.

Some guys love it when a girl is forward and makes the first move (I have to admit that I am in this category).  So if a girl happens to be interested in one of these guys and decides to ask him out on a date, then that could work out quite nicely.  However, there are also other guys that are very traditional that are really turned off when a girl asks them out.  Their reasons vary, but the general impression I get from this group is they find it kind of emasculating when a girl asks them out.

So, if a girl isn’t comfortable asking a guy out or doesn’t want to take her chances that he is the type of guy that would be turned off by being asked out, what are her options?  Here are a few:

1. Flirtation- anything from giving cute looks, to physical touch (putting your hand on a guys arm or back… or leg if you want to be more bold), to suggestive comments.
Pro: Might make a guy feel a little more confident asking you out if he is already thinking about it.
Con: Could make a guy think you are easy, which will either make him less interested, or make him only interested in a physical relationship.

2. Nice gestures- do something nice for him that a normal friend wouldn’t do.
Pro: Like flirtation, this might make a guy who isn’t sure if you are interested feel more confident in asking you out.
Con: The guy might not catch on that you are interested, might think you are just a nice person.  A real jerk might just take advantage of the good gestures.

3. Have a mutual friend talk to them- have the friend talk to your person of interest when no one is around and mention to them that you two would be a good fit.  (Make sure they sell it as “their” idea.)
Pro: You are putting the thought in their head through a neutral source.  Zero chance of a face to face rejection.
Con: Could still end up waiting to see if they will ask you out.  There is a chance that they think you put your friend up to it (especially if your friend isn’t a good actor.)

4. Drop Hints- when given the opportunity, bring up a place you’d like to go out to eat, or a local band you’d like to see, or formal event you’d like to attend… basically anything that could be along the lines of a date that you would like them to ask you to.
Pro: Like having a friend talk to them, you are kind of putting the thought in their head, but doing so indirectly.  You aren’t really asking them, so they aren’t really rejecting you if they don’t ask.
Con: Like nice gestures, some guys won’t pick up that you are interested, they’ll just assume you are friendly or wanting someone to share a common interest with.

5. Sit and wait patiently- sit by the phone or computer and hope that they message you at some point to meet up.  (Yuck, just kidding- do NOT do this one!)

6. Wait impatiently- hope that your guy of interest asks you out, but taking offers to meet up with other guys who ask you out in the mean time.
Pro: Keeping your options open, you can have a fun time meeting other guys and perhaps find yourself in a relationship with someone else.  In some cases, the guy might see others as competition and this will push him to ask you out himself.
Con: They find out that you are seeing other people, assume you aren’t interested and simply not consider asking you out.

From a guy’s perspective, I prefer #1 (flirtation) if a girl doesn’t want to ask me out but is trying to convince me to ask her out.  In all options above, girls need to understand an important fact about guys: WE ARE ALMOST ALWAYS OBLIVIOUS TO HINTS!  So in many cases whatever choice you make could be missed or unnoticed.  This is why I feel a girl is totally justified in doing #6 (wait impatiently and date other guys).  If the guy doesn’t get it, just pursue other options.  Of course, the girl can always just be bold and ask the guy out herself.  Then she is up against the same risk/reward situation that guys are usually in when asking out a girl (post coming soon).

When in doubt I think it’s best when a girl asks a guy out when she’s interested.  Although I’m admittedly biased, I think that’s why most guys are generally pretty good about softening the blow in the event they aren’t interested because we know how it feels to put yourself out there.  In some cases the guy will respect the girl for taking a chance and go out on a date just for that.  Just remember, if you do decide to ask a guy out to do so with confidence and not think too much about if if they say no.

Good luck to all of my female readers who are pursuing their crushes!  Feel free to post what has worked for you or any other advice you think would help others.

34 thoughts on “Role Reversal: Should Women Ask Out Guys?

  1. It’s so frustrating. I went out with a guy (I asked him) and then he acted very interested, yet we’ve not gone out again. I suppose I should tell him directly that I’m interested because I have tried 1,2,4,5 and 6. I’m afraid I’ll mess things up. Oh and 3 is not an option – we don’t have any mutual friends.

  2. I loved this post! Thank you so much for the advice, I found it very helpful (ESP the pros and cons.) I definitely have a LOT to work on for #1! If only I had the invisible balls (…ovaries?) to ask him out. As for the not getting hints thing, I’ve actually been guilty of that. My friends would insist that a guy liked me (this happened a couple of times) and I had absolutely no idea. Which makes this process just that much harder. But we’ll see how things go!

  3. What about flat out letting the guy know you’re interested in him?? How would that go over with a guy? For example, “I’m totally into you! You should ask me out sometime” and walk away. Idk, I envision talking and laughing beforehand and ending the conversation that way.

    Really good post though. Wish guys weren’t a) oblivious to hints or b) be unbelieving that a girl “out of their league” could possibly be dropping hints to him. But I get that fear of rejection or embarrassing yourself can really freeze you up.

  4. I really enjoyed this! it’s always interesting to hear things from a guys perspective. I’m going to send this to my friend because she has been asking me non-stop if she should ask this guy out she likes and I think she’ll appreciate this. Thanks!

  5. OMG this blog post was a God sent. I have been stuck in a situation similar to this one. I like this guy, a friend of a friend. Last year I told him I liked him but I was a lil’ tipsy. Later his friends gave me his number and I kinda-sorta asked him out and he ignored it. Most recently I started to have those feelings for him again and wanted to write him saying that I do and that I would like to get to know him more. I’m debating if I should or not, being that he never responded to me last year. This post did give me a lil’ insight but I just need to grow some and figure out what to do. Any advice?

  6. I love this post and the blog, Dax. As a one time serial dater, turned SB, I can totally relate. I tend to think and act more like a man, and I get told this by My approach is very forward and take it or leave it. I haven’t the time to waste on someone to get it together. I have far too many options to get hung up on just one man.

    Largely, I think the problem is that women tend to come from a more emotional perspective. I am not wired that way, so it is hard for me to relate. Maybe that’s why sugar suits me so well? On the other hand, I do enjoy being pursued and the dance around “the chase”. I think that at the end of the day, people just want to feel wanted. I say if you want something, go after it. If it doesn’t work out, there is always someone else…

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