Struggling to Find a Date? Change Your Perspective (Part I)

Man Looking Through Binoculars in Desert
For those of you who have read my earlier posts, you know that I haven’t always been a dateoholic.  I went through a period where I felt “undateable” pretty much all through high school and the first half of college.  During this time I very rarely had a date, and I was never in a relationship.  What did I need to get out of this rut?  A change in perspective.

I didn’t even realize what my problem was until I became good friends with this guy I worked with during a seasonal job.  Our first season together he didn’t say anything to me because he didn’t feel he knew me that well, but the second season he started to push me.  “Go ask that girl out,” he would say about a female co-worker.  “I don’t even know her that well,” was my typical response.  It wouldn’t take much longer for him to confirm that I thought she was cute, and that I indeed talk to her at least a couple times a week when we had the same shift.  After he witnessed me missing out on a few different opportunities his frustration reached the boiling point, and he told me what my problem was… I had to confirm that a girl was potentially the woman of my dreams before I would even ask her out.  It was bold for him to say that, but he was right.  By the time I got to know a girl well enough that I had the epiphany that this girl could be “the one,” my potential date had either put me in the friend-zone (making it awkward to ask them out), or I waited so long that they were already seeing someone else.  Either way I was back to square one and frustrated.

It took a lot of encouragement, but eventually I changed my ways.  My friend convinced me to go up and ask girls out on just the sole fact that I thought they were cute.  This was NOT an overnight process!  He was insistent towards this and I really had to get out of my comfort zone every time in the beginning.  Gradually, I got to the point where I was comfortable (in most circumstances) asking a girl out with only one or two conversations with them.  In the process, I learned two things:
1. As long as the girl is single, she will say yes to a date a lot more often than I originally thought.  Probably due to the fact that I wasn’t making a big deal of it, and since we were just getting to know each other anyway, she really didn’t have anything to loose.
2. I felt a lot less pressure in the situation because I wasn’t giving it the chance to build up, so asking someone out wasn’t as stressful.  Even in the times I would get turned down, it wouldn’t phase me as much as it did in the past and I would be back on my feet much more quickly.

In time, I eventually got to the point where I could ask out two or three girls in the same week.  Although there was a part of me that was nervous about this, I really didn’t feel bad about it because I was just getting to know these girls and in almost every circumstance they were just first dates.  Later that year, I would go on a date with a girl that I clicked with so much I didn’t want to go on any more first dates… and I was in my first relationship!  What a huge 180 from where I was at just the previous year.  And it was all possible because I changed my perspective and was willing to get out of my comfort zone.

I know in most cases we don’t even realize what we are doing that puts us in an “undateable” rut.  Hopefully if you are in that situation, you have a friend that is willing to be as bold as mine was and tell you honestly what they see.  If not, look within yourself, don’t be too critical, and see if there is something you can do different.  Even people in the worst ruts can discover they are more dateable than they thought!

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9 thoughts on “Struggling to Find a Date? Change Your Perspective (Part I)

  1. Not only is it great when you have someone who is willing to show you what they see and push you to move out of your comfort zone…but also to be in a place of willingness to actually allow yourself to be pushed.

    Why have I not been reading you more??? That’s gonna change.

  2. This is interesting! As someone of the female persuasion, if I have a crush on a guy, should I just count on him to ask me out if he is interested? Personally, I’m not comfortable asking a guy out (I am shy), but am on friendly terms with him. I’m still in the process of getting to know him but we chat regularly. I have no idea what I should do. (Bake him cookies???)

  3. I like this! I go on dates just for three reason, it can turn out to be the love of your life (hasn’t happened yet), you end up being great friends with the person, or you get a great story you can tell your friends! And I just read your role reversals post as well! I am defiantly a girl who will put herself out there. I feel like girls fret too much about “the first date” or getting to the first date. If you put yourself out there and it doesn’t work oh well. You can’t possibly be ruining your chances with your future husband if he didn’t like you at that point!

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