I don’t feel I’ve been doing the relationship blogging thing that long, but in the short time I have, I can’t help but notice how many other relationship bloggers have gone into retirement. Some of them of them were very good writers, while others should have really considered investing in spell check. Some would go from one relationship to the next, while others were always single and dating, and some struggled to find a worthwhile date in all the time they wrote. Some posted almost daily and suddenly stopped without any warning, while others give a farewell, and yet some simply wrote less and less frequently until they faded into the sunset. Every time I realize it has been a few weeks since my last post, I begin to wonder if any of my readers have wondered if I have faded into the sunset myself.
I just want to put it out there that I am not going anywhere soon. I still have many stories to share, and I still have a way to go in my own personal journey. Even though I have experience with every phase of dating/relationships (pick-ups, casual dating, short-term relationships, and long-term relationships), I still am far from having it all figured out. I’m sure many readers have their opinion as to what type of guy I am, but at the core I consider myself a thoughtful and generous person. And although I’m easily distracted and oblivious at times, I believe my good qualities certainly outweigh my bad. Yet for the past couple weeks I seem not to be able to successfully communicate to my girlfriend what I need from her in our relationship. Oh yes, the one that lives with me, that I see every day, and sleeps right next to me! Perhaps it is due to the fact that I am more articulate with a keyboard in my hands than I am when I’m speaking. Perhaps I’ve grown so accustom to being on my own that I’m having a difficult time letting someone all the way in. Maybe I’ve grown so comfortable with the idea of potentially not settling down with someone at some point of my life that I don’t want to risk loosing how good I think I could have had it on my own.
Regardless, I’m left feeling quite selfish these days. Gaby is the busiest I’ve ever seen her in the time we’ve known each other. Between her full time work schedule and full time school schedule there certainly hasn’t been as much quality time spent between us as I would like, and its really starting to wear on me more and more with each week that passes. So with the building feeling that I’m being selfish for even suggesting more quality time together or more intimacy, is it strange that when we actually have a night together and I’m being poured with endearing comments from Gaby that it just seems “off” to me? I’m sure in her view she is just glad we finally have some time together, but from my perspective I’m wondering where all that affection was in the week leading up to that time. Further frustrating is how she picks that night to reach for extra affirmation of my love towards her. At first I am fine with it because love Gaby and I don’t mind telling her that, but as she continues to press for more affirmation from me I’m once again left wondering where my affirmations were that week when she was too busy or too tired for quality time with me. As those thoughts churn in my mind my feeling of selfishness grows even more and I can’t even enjoy the time we are finally spending together in the present moment. Certainly I don’t feel like “the best boyfriend ever” as she will continue to tell me. So I make an attempt to express how I’m feeling, explain my needs, and communicate what I need in the relationship to bring me up to the level she seems to be at from what she is expressing to me. Sadly, that just ends up in her feelings being hurt, and me still stuck with the feeling that I’m not being understood. It’s very frustrating. Gaby tells me that all will be better next semester when her school portion of her schedule settles down, but I’m loosing confidence with that every time we go through the cycle above.
So there you have it folks. I’m far from retiring, and certainly far from having it all figured out. Hope I can figure out a way to make this better. As always, thanks for joining me in the journey.