Pushing Away

stop!For those of you who have been following even for a short while know that I was away on vacation for the better part of last month, and additionally I have been overall very happy with my current relationship with Gaby.  In “Six Months” (the last post before I left) I briefly mentioned that Gaby and I got in our largest argument of our relationship.  As bad as it was, we moved past it pretty quickly and during my two and a half weeks away on vacation she seemed as happy as ever each time we got a chance to video chat and catch up.  I had an amazing trip, but by the end of my time there I was really just counting down the days until I got to be with Gaby again.  When I flew back into the country I was very surprised (pleasantly of course) that she was there waiting for me at the airport gate after I got through U.S. customs.  To do this she had to: 1. Book a three hour bus trip to the airport I flew out of.  2. Figure out a way to get in touch with my family so they wouldn’t take me from the airport to my car and leave her there 3. Make a sign with my name on it and patiently wait for me to arrive!  It was one of the sweetest things a girl has done for me!

It goes without saying that after how Gaby and I talked while I was on my trip and after all she had done for my arrival that I thought things were going to be great and that we wouldn’t be getting into nearly daily arguments like before I left.  And that’s how it was… for about 24 hours.  By my second day home Gaby would get upset with me daily, about things that are so trivial that I can’t even think of any of them now.  Even if we were having a fun day and enjoying each others company, something would come up where she would be confronting me in a very angry tone or was completely shutting down and not talking at all.  After she had calmed down she didn’t want to talk about what had happened and just wanted to go back to having a good time, but eventually I couldn’t.  So I dealt with the situation the only way I knew how… by pouring myself out to her… in a lengthy handwritten letter.  I know, it’s so cheesy, but I didn’t know what else to do since she didn’t want to have a conversation about it.  So after she got back from work one night I handed it to her, told her I loved her, and left for long enough for her to read it and think about what I had said.  I didn’t know how she would respond, but I arrived back to be greeted with hugs and kisses.  She was so impressed that I cared enough about her that I would take the time to write all my feelings out to her.  We finally had the conversation I had wanted for quite some time.  In the end, she told me it was her fault and she was “pushing me away.”  She couldn’t quite put her finger on why, but perhaps because we are hitting a time where we are entering into one of the longest relationships she has ever been in and didn’t know how to deal with it.

In Gaby’s defense, I want to admit that I am not a perfect guy, that I can get focused on work and not hear what she is saying to me, or that I can be oblivious at times and do/say something that could upset her.  So yes, at times she has had (and likely will have) reasons to not be happy with me.  However, it was mostly the intensity at how upset she would get that was getting difficult for me to handle.  Anyway, I’m pleased to say that at this point (a week later) things have gone amazingly and we haven’t had one bump in the road since.  I’m feeling better than ever about our relationship, but at the same time nervous.  There is an emotional toll to putting yourself out there in the way that I did.  If things go back to how they were, I don’t think I could handle that.  As time goes by, Gaby has quickly become an important part of my life and I don’t want to be without her, but I couldn’t be with her if things stayed the same as they had been.  Only time will tell though.  I’ve seen it go both ways in past relationships and know that some people can make a change for the better and some go back to old habits, but at this point I’m optimistic about Gaby and I.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been in a relationship with someone that tried to “push me away.”  In my mid and late-20’s I ended relationships with problems similar to this only to get a plea from that person to come back afterward.  By that time I was too checked out of the relationship to give it a second chance.  Fortunately, my past experiences helped me catch how I was feeling before I was “checked out” this time and I was able to do something about it.  My question is this: When a girl finds someone that fits everything they say they want…  Why do they push away?

17 thoughts on “Pushing Away

  1. perhaps she has a fear of being with a man she truly deserves, a good man. it will happen until she has evolved enough to trust her heart and know that she deserves him. not that she’s not a great person, just not there yet and it scares her. pushes men away before they push her away, protects her heart in advance.

  2. This is just me putting on my psychology cap, because I have never done it and have never had a discussion with other women about it.

    You know some women like to give “tests,” I’m sure. A lot of the time I don’t even think they realize they’re doing it. I view this as another subconscious test when a woman sees potential for long-term commitment. She might want to see how much you’ll put up with vs walking away to make sure you’re the type who won’t leave when the going gets rough before feeling comfortable committing to you for the long haul. I think the women who do this and come back to you when you leave either feel they must be the one to do the dumping or they really think you could be the one despite the “failed test.” The problem with the failed test is if they get you back they’ll do the same thing again, just hoping for a different result from you.

    Are her parents still together, or is there a divorce, death, separation? I think women whose parents aren’t together, for whatever reason, are more likely to give this kind of test. Adoption and knowing one parent cheated or left for some time could also do this…you get the idea.

    The other thing…my only personal experiences (plural) with this is when a woman was looking to make me leave, I’d say from an educated guess. Some women–and men–who don’t have the guts or strength to just end things will essentially mess things up on purpose. I don’t necessarily get the sense that Gaby is trying to make you leave, though.

  3. Pingback: How Do You Test Your Man? Or Woman? | Secret Vulnerability

  4. Women can sometimes self-sabotage their relationships. I’ve done it before. I think it’s because it’s hard to believe that there are good guys left, and we think there has to be some “catch” because this is all too good to be true.

    Or women fall in love with the idea of a man, instead of the man, himself. And when that happens, and they don’t love him, then they’re hesitant to call it off because they still think of the potential the man has, even if there isn’t any chemistry and regardless if the man is never going to be the man they envision in their minds.

  5. The way my friends and I see it…we have a harder time handling those things we want and ask for then the things we don’t want. Maybe we are just used to being disappointed….but honestly, most women can’t answer that honestly.

  6. I feel like ive done that (in my young 20s) as a test, like the other person said. Not on purpose, but it was. Also, gabys young. Despite how mature she may seem, if her longest relationship is around 6 months, she doesnt have the skills necessary yet for a long relationship cause she hasnt needed them. Girls are emotional and irrational at times (even the most rational ones!!!). Mix that in with a serious relationship and its bound to get a little crazy. I hope she pulls it together, as i think the 6mo-1yr mark really shows the side of her youll be seeing more long term…

  7. Good for you for putting your feelings out there and speaking your mind the way you know how. That is very rare for man or at least the men I meet. I’m glad it was well received and things have turned around. It sounds like you have a good start to a nice relationship.

  8. Pingback: Pushing Away | Powder Room Therapy

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