Apology Letter

letterAs I was flipping through dating blogs last night I came across a post in letter form called “Dear Assholes Everywhere- On How Not to Be an Asshole” and I found it quite compelling.  I don’t consider myself an asshole, but I’ve done some things in the past that if someone just looked at that snapshot of my life they would certainly think I was.  For whatever reason, I decided to take a few minutes to comment back… as if I was the asshole she was referring to.  Then today I was preparing to write about “Kayla,” but then thought it would be more appropriate if I revised my response from last night to go out to Kayla and all the other girls that I’ve unintentionally hurt over the years.  I know they’ll never see it, but hopefully there are other people who will read it that need to hear what I have to say, as if this letter was written from the asshole that they always wished they could get an answer from or closure with.

 

Dear Girl I’ve Hurt In The Past,
I’m sorry for being an asshole. I didn’t do it on purpose and I’m sorry that your feelings were hurt as a result. At the time I was so far from understanding my own thoughts that I couldn’t be honest with myself, let alone you. If I had the chance to do it over again I would do it much more differently, but honestly I probably shouldn’t have even been dating anyone at that time. I believed I was in the right mindset to date and be in a relationship, but clearly I was not.  You deserve better than what I was able to give you back then, and I apologize for that. Timing is a critical piece in a lasting relationship and that certainly wasn’t the right time for me, but as I said before, I didn’t know that at the time. Just know the way I acted and what I did had nothing to do with you and it in no way should affect the way you think about yourself or approach a new relationship in the future. You are a great girl and you will certainly meet someone at some point who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I know that our time has passed and due to the hurt feelings that were created due to to my mistake we shouldn’t date again.  You would probably never trust me again, and for good reason.  Additionally, I would be hesitant to allow you to put yourself out there again like you did the first time in fear of hurting you in the same way.  Even though I’m in a better place now, and able to communicate these feelings at this time, I just couldn’t bear to take that chance again with your heart.  If either one of us held back, then there is no way we could have the relationship that either one of us is deserving to have.  If you already moved on, I am happy for you.  If you are still trying to move on, I’m hoping that you are able to as that is probably the only way I can partially clear my conscience for what I did.  Just know that I didn’t completely forget about you like my actions probably suggested.  Fond memories of you pop up from time to time, and knowing I lost those times with you due to my actions (or lack of action) is what still motivates me today to be a better person.  Again, I apologize that my current growth happened at the expense of your feelings back then.  I would still take back the hurt I caused if I could.
Wishing you the best,
Dax
Not-so-typical-guy
(but months ago or years ago was that typical guy)

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6 thoughts on “Apology Letter

  1. I’ve often written a letter sort of similar to this in my mind. Worse than being a serial dater I married- too many times! But I always married with the intention and hope of making it last forever. My intentions were always pure. I dumped and I’ve been dumped. It hurts either way. After many years, I’ve refined my version of your letter down to what I say when people ask me about an x. I always say, “All the time I spent with them was time well spent.” And I mean it when I say it… Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Love your blog.

  2. Well written and thank you for writing that. Looking back at the people who broke my heart I can only guess that it also wasn’t intentional. Thanks for the reminder! I am sure that along the way I too have broken someone’s heart and should write a similar letter.

    I think you are so right about timing. Timing is everything. And sometimes we think we’re ready but we still have a few more lessons to learn and unfortunately it usually is at someone else’s expense.

    Thanks again for writing this. Even though it wasn’t from the man who broke my heart, I feel quite comforted knowing that he probably never meant to. Thanks. 🙂

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