Time-Out

timeout
If you’ve read my Road to Addition page, you know that one of the activities I enjoy the most is coaching.  Currently, I don’t coach any sports that you get to call “time-out,” but in the past I did.  I always appreciated having the ability to stop things when momentum was not going the way I wanted so I could regroup.  After a conversation I had with friends this weekend, I thought I needed to take a quick “time-out” from my usual posts be a little more reflective.

I originally started this blog for several reasons:
1. Events over the last year have brought me to the realization that I have a problem when it comes to dating and relationships, and I believe for me to have my best chance of meeting a girl I can truly be happy with in the long-run, I need to change something about my process.  I hoped that by journaling my events, I could go back and see where I took a wrong turn and learn from it.

2. Over the years I’ve picked up many insights on how to increase dating opportunities.  As a result of this, I’ve gone from rarely being able to get a date to having having dates quite frequently.  I thought by sharing what I’ve learned I could help other people out there who are looking for answers in this crazy dating world that singles live in!

3. I have many friends who are important to me, but I only get together with them a couple times a month, and in some cases just a few times a year.  What happens in my dating life is always a topic of conversation, but since the events are constantly evolving, I always find myself dominating the conversation.  I was hoping that by writing about my recent events on-line, my friends could simply read up on what is happening when they have the time, and that would free us up to talk about the other things when we chat.  In short, I thought it could let me be a better friend to those I care about.

Currently I have about 40 followers.  If you are one of the 30 or so people that randomly fell across my site and choose to follow, I appreciate it.  It’s nice to know that there are others out there that relate to what I’m talking about, and care enough to share their advice to a someone they’ve never met.  I’ve also shared this site to 10 friends who can contact me via phone, email, or Facebook.  If you are one those I invited, that means that you are a friend from my past that I used to share date-ism theories with and/or you are a friend that I consider close enough that I am willing to admit my dating adventures and misadventures to!  Either way, I invited you because I trust you and respect your opinion.  With that, I’m going to respond to some of the things that have happened behind the scenes…

#1 I had a friend that contacted me within the last week by sending me a Facebook message saying, “I don’t know if I want to weigh in with my opinion, because I feel like I’m reading a good book and I don’t know what’s coming next!”  My response to her is the same to everyone else who is following…  If this is a book, it is an interactive one- you get to put your advice/opinion out there!  I can’t promise I will go along with it every time, but I certainly appreciate hearing others perspective on things before choosing what to do.

#2 A friend I was out with this weekend told me that my last post (Another Typical Night For Dax…) made me sound super cocky.  If that’s how it came across to anyone else out there, I apologize!  For me, the situation is quite ironic.  I spent the first three years after college having almost no success at getting dates in social situations no matter what I tried.  By my late 20’s I finally started to get into a groove and certainly improved my chances to the point I could consistently get a date if I went out a couple nights in a row.  Since turning 30, things have gotten quite ridiculous though and I have no explanation for it!  If I go out with no intentions of interacting with any girls because I want time for myself or I don’t want to complicate the dating situation I’m in, it seems that’s when they go after me the hardest.  Now, before I say anything else that makes me sound arrogant I must say that when I go out with the intentions of meeting someone, I still have my hit and miss moments, and I certainly don’t have women running after me!  When I go out to a crowded bar, I never feel I’m one of the best looking guys there.  There are certain physical characteristics about myself that I’m confident in, but I’m certainly no stud-muffin!  (Actually the fact that I said “stud-muffin” should give you some insight into how much of a dork I really am.)  I’ve gained confidence over the years because I feel I know what to look for and I’m good at socializing with people.  In addition, I’m very friendly and I’ve found that goes a long way too!

#3 I had a friend that early on in this process said she had two friends that still lived in my area that she wanted to set me up with.  I’m pretty much guessing that offer has since been retracted.  No one wants to set their friend up with a dateoholic… at least not a good friend!  I’ll eventually do a post on set-ups as I’ve had a bitter-sweet history with them in the past.  Only twice have I agreed to them, and both of those were two of the best people I’ve ever met… unfortunately, not quite the best matches, but oh so close.  Regardless, a set-up requires you to put your friend’s “word” on the line, so I take them seriously and don’t feel confident enough at this point to take one on.

#4 After my first two EX-Factor posts, one friend told me that she wanted a timeline to help clear up the back and forth timing, and I agreed that a visual reference would be helpful.  Both Whitney and Heather dominated my relationship experience in my early to mid-20’s and those experiences still have an impact on me today.  I would like to write about my more recent Ex’s as they have had a more direct impact on where I am now.  However, I don’t want to do that until I finish the timeline that is still in the works.  In the meantime, the summary for 2012 is that for the first time since Whitney and Heather I fell for someone.  It had been so long since I had felt that way that it really caught me off-guard.  Poor dating habits were certainly a factor in why things didn’t work out leaving me heart-broken for the first time in many years.  Shortly afterward I got a taste of my own medicine and got “Dax-ed” as you might say.  I started dating a girl who made a great first impression on me, but later found out she was seeing other people.  Eventually we got over that hump and months later broke-up for other reasons, but it was certainly eye-opening to be on the other side of things for a change.  You’ll have to wait for the details.

#5 I had a friend after my last post text me, “You are hopeless.  I give up.”  We haven’t been friends all that long, but she is probably the most willing to give her advice and she was certainly a major factor in me admitting I have a dating problem.  Anyway, if anyone else out there is feeling the same way, I plead with you- Don’t give up on me!  Just a few months ago I was repeating bad dating habits that I have for many years.  In a short amount of time since, I’ve admitted I had a problem and I am making a conscious effort to get on the path that leads me towards a lasting relationship.  However, I’m not perfect and I’m sure I’ll have setbacks and make mistakes.  Yes, I failed to take a break from dating as I planned, but in the grand scheme of things I don’t a single date as a set-back.  For me dating is fun.  I’ve always enjoyed getting to know people, but getting to know someone through dating adds a whole new dynamic.  However, the true test is if I can stop the dating if I don’t see much of a future or don’t start to have feelings.  I think that is my true weakness.  Additionally, a problem has been that once I start dating to start racking up how many people I can date at the same time.  That is an error I hope not to repeat this time as well.  If I can do that, at least I’m showing progress.

#6  Shocking alert for those who know me… recently, my desire to have a child has really grown on me. (Yikes!)  I’ve always wanted to have a kid of my own, but thought about it as a “someday” thing.  Lately, every time I’m in a restaurant or shopping area where a little kiddo is being walked around by a parent I find myself melting.  Its terrible- I never used to do this!  I have a co-worker that I share an office with and he thinks it’s his fault.  He’s in his late 40’s and always talks about all the things he does with his sons who are in their late teens.  Many times he has mentioned that he didn’t have the relationship with father that he wanted to because his dad was so old when he was growing up.  As a result, they couldn’t do his favorite activities together such as sports and outdoor pursuits.  I’m very much a planner, so I guess I always thought that if I had kids I would do it by 40.  As I approach my mid-30’s I’m starting to sense a little urgency on that time-line as there are dating, engagement, and honeymoon stages of a relationship that I would like to enjoy with someone before having a child as well.  So yes, that is a bit of motivation for me to stop wasting time in relationships that I don’t see working out.

#7  As much as I am feeling the sense of urgency from #6, I want to be clear that I am significantly more motivated to find someone that makes me happy than I am to have a child.  My parents divorced so young that I never remember them being together, but I do remember all of the years of them fighting… mostly over who got to spend time with my sister and me.  I feel fortunate that I had two parents who loved me and wanted to spend time with me because I know not every kid in our society has that, but I personally could never put a child through that.  No kid should be put in the middle to pick between their parents and that was certainly hard on me growing up.  There are no guarantees in life or love, but when I pick someone it will be with a person I feel really solid with.  If I can’t find that, I’d rather do without marriage or children of my own.

#8  I had a conversation with friends this weekend that I need a “review committee” to help me screen out girls I shouldn’t date.  Honestly, it’s not a bad idea given my history!  So, for those of you who actually know me in person- let me know if you want to be part of this.  For anyone else, you’ll have to go by what I say in my posts.  Question: At what point it do you feel it would be good to have friends interject their opinion of a potential significant other?  Certainly not until after at least a date or two, but before it has the chance to evolve into something that a friend wouldn’t tell you their honest opinion.  Let me know your thoughts.  This is something I could see going into the works soon!

Ok, that was a really long time-out… more like a half-time talk.  Thanks again for taking the time to read and offer your advice.  I do appreciate it!

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Time-Out

  1. I almost commented on “another typical night…” but ran out of time, and I wanted to think about my response. However, you did the thinking for me. Well done chap! (stud-muffin, that was priceless) So on to the advice, because it’s so easy to give from the outside looking in…
    To me you didn’t come across as cocky; more so desperate in a sense. You went out to hang out with a friend, got depressed, and then proceeded to essentially ditch him because a woman hit on you. Then another. If you’re truly looking for someone to settle down with I’d like to think a drunken kiss in a bar is not a good beginning. Maybe that’s just me.
    You need to date someone until you form your own opinion, but make sure to listen to your gut feelings. If you have any sort of iffy feeling, back away, because that’s (in my experience) a precursor to a much larger waving red flag when it might be too late to get out easily. Do I have some regrets? Sure. But the regret of walking away is nothing compared to the regret I would’ve felt leading someone on. If you find yourself making excuses for them, walk away. In my experience a dating committee is a bad idea. I have a pretty small close knit group of friends, and we’re very honest with each other. But sometimes the “advice” given isn’t given as constructive criticism: it could be given out of jealousy, they could be having a bad day and absentmindedly vocalizing their negativity in their opinions that day, etc etc. What you might be willing to put up with your friend may not. I’m not in any way saying your friends would do that, I’m simply giving my account of my experience.
    Overall, I think you’re thinking too hard. I feel comfortable saying that because I do the same thing. It’s a daily struggle for me to just sit back and let things happen, and to let things go when they’re done. That is when friends come in handy, because they’ll let you talk it out and let you come to your conclusion on your own.
    Side note – I am sick and on cough medicine. Some of the above comment might be borderline rambling, and I do apologize.

  2. I wonder if in addition to a review committee that could spot future road bumps while you’re in the blinding “honeymoon” phase of dating; it might be worthwhile to reflect with those you know who are in a good relationship and ask them (for the first time or again) how and why it is a good relationship. Maybe opening up your definition and hearing other peoples’ stories could spark a different perspective. Just a thought…

  3. Great post! I’m only recent to your blog (please ignore the fact I followed you just today – accidentally unfollowed when I went to like the post), so this really helps me see where you’re coming from.

  4. Good stuff man, A friend sent me the link to your blog. Your idea of friends screening your date choices seems like a good idea. Every bad dateing experince I have ever had . At least one of my friends had warned me prior to dating or going on a date with the girl.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s