How does one know when it’s better to try moving onto something fresh and new, or whether try to reignite and old flame. A new date has endless possibilities. You could meet someone who is beautiful, shares your passions, challenges you to be a better person, that develops into a life-long loving relationship. However, the odds of the next date being that special someone are about the same as the chances of your next lottery ticket turning you into millionaire! There’s always a chance, but typically you have to play many times before you win big. With an old flame, you have a really good picture of what you could expect. You already know what you have in common, the dynamic of your relationship, and how they made you feel. The biggest unknown is whether or not they have changed. Have they changed for the better? Have they changed for the worse? There’s obviously no way of knowing until you get back in touch. Doing so can be emotionally costly. You might found out they have moved on or perhaps they resent you. If they still have feelings for you and you choose to give things another try, how do you move past the hurt from the past?
I realize the last two posts were lengthy, but they are not just important for understanding my past, but also important in setting up what is going on right now. Now I’m not proud to admit this, but every once in a while I use the internet to look up people from my past. I’ve found that Facebook makes it so easy to do this that. I can look up a half dozen girls I’ve dated or had relationships with in less than two minutes, most of which are not accepted “friends.” Anyway, late last spring as I was doing a little run around the site and decided to check up on “Heather” and noticed we had an additional mutual friend. We had one other, but it was one of Heather’s former classmates, who is certainly better friends with her than me. The new mutual friend was a really good friend of mine from college. I hadn’t been in touch with this friend in a couple years, but I saw it as a good excuse to get back in touch with her. When I wrote my friend and asked how she knew Heather. In addition, I filled my friend in on all the things that I had been up to over the past couple years. When I heard back, she told me that Heather was a co-worker of hers and she also caught me up on the past couple years. I was in a relationship at this time, so the rest of our messages that we bounced back and forth was about what was going on in our lives and Heather was never mentioned again.
As I’ve said before, Heather is always the girl I think about when I become single again, but I’ve also said that based on our past, I would never get back in touch with her unless I felt I was emotionally available and knew she wasn’t seeing someone. Every time I get out of a relationship, however, I meet someone before I’m really feeling totally “ready” and the chance to get back in touch passed me by. Each time I would tell myself that it was probably for the best.
Recently, in We Have Some Catching Up To Do I mentioned that I was in a relationship with “Samantha” that for the last couple weeks of it I knew would end as she was moving out West for a new job. During these last weeks I wasn’t dating anyone else, and emotionally I was able to prepare myself for the fact that she would be leaving. I told myself that after Samantha moved away I would check to see if Heather was seeing someone.
A couple days ago I made a call to my friend who works with Heather. I was informed that Heather got out of a three year relationship this summer, but was currently single and starting to date again, but no one that seemed of any interest. When she asked why I wanted to know, my emotions raced as I began to explain our long history together. As I’ve said before, I always wondered whether or not we were two good people that were just not good for each other, or if we were a great couple waiting to happen if the timing was ever right. I’m trying hard not to get too far ahead of myself though. We haven’t even talked yet! She may not even respond, and even if she does she might just want to get caught up and nothing more. Regardless, knowing that we are both available I don’t feel there is anyway I can stop myself from getting back in touch after five years of building curiosity.
For me the difficult part will be keeping my situation from getting complicated during the time I get back in touch with Heather and until the time I figure out which direction things will go. I am still new in trying to change my ways and and fearful or reverting back. There was a cute girl who I met this fall that in the last few weeks has begun to actively pursue me, and I have a major weakness for girls who are a little aggressive! While I was dating Samantha, it was easy to keep my distance, but its getting more difficult now that I’m single again. My other weakness occurs when I’m out at the bars. I’ve gotten so accustom to picking up girls at bars when I’m single that I frequently meet someone new and start dating them when I’m out. This weekend I purposely didn’t venture to the downtown area, but if that’s where my friends want to go next weekend I’ll have to be extra cautious not to go back to my old habits.
There is a lot on the line this week, so wish me luck! I’ll continue to keep you posted.